How same-sex marriage destroys opposite-sex marriage, and what we can do about it.

By Charles P. Kirchofer, Oct. 29th, 2008

The religious right is always telling us that same-sex marriage destroys marriage for everyone else. I just couldn't wrap my head around that, but today I figured it out. The religious right has simply had problems with the word "destroy." The following are a series of questions and answers that lead me to the correct definition of destroy that the religious right must be using. I then offer a solution as a sort of compromise.

Does the marriage of a same-sex couple cause your marriage no longer to be recognized by the state? No.
Does the marriage of a same-sex couple cause your marriage no longer to be recognized by god? No.
Hmm, still seems fairly undestroyed. Maybe it's the "fabric of the American family" itself that is somehow damaged.

Does same-sex marriage make you more likely to divorce your husband or wife? No, unless you're gay too, I would imagine, but then we need to be having a different conversation.
Does same-sex marriage make you beat your kids? No, I don't see a connection there. If same-sex marriage has led you to beat your children, please feel free to describe the incidents in the comments section and explain what led you to the beatings. Please don't forget to include your real name and home address (note, comment postings are not made in confidence).
Does same sex marriage make you love your own family less? I assume not.

Hmm, that must not be what they're talking about either. If you went to court and told the judge your neighbor destroyed something of yours, you'd have to show that it was indeed destroyed and if and how your neighbor did it. Let's try an example that will get us closer.

Plaintiff: Your honor, my neighbor destroyed my car.
Judge: The evidence I have here shows your car looks to be in mint condition. Is it in some way damaged?
Plaintiff: Yes!
Judge: Does it no longer run?
Plaintiff: No, it still runs.
Judge: Then what is the nature of the damage?
Plaintiff: Yeah, it's destroyed, the car is worthless!
Judge: Why is the car worthless? It looks fine and still drives. I fail to see the problem. How did the defendant destroy or damage your car? What exactly is it that the defendant has done?
Plaintiff: He bought one just like it, your honor.

Sound familiar?

I remember that when Cabbage Patch dolls were first introduced, they were extremely valuable, because they were rare. The destruction unleashed upon heterosexual marriage must therefore be a reduction in its exclusivity! That means the rarer marriage is, the more it's worth! Marriage is a commodity for the religious right, and the religious right is a cartel! Now I understand.

So what can we do to solve this? I propose we make an exchange as a compromise. We allow gays to marry, but provide divorce lawyers free of charge. That way the number of divorces will rise, ensuring that marriages remain as valuable a commodity as the religious right would like them to be. Then they can continue life with the knowledge that they belong to an exclusive club of owners of a rare good: marriage. That must be why divorce rates are so much higher in red states:

Red States
Blue States
State Divorce Rate
State Divorce Rate
IA 3,9
MA 2,4
NM 6,0
RI 3,2
OH* 4,5
VT 4,0
NV 9,0
NY 3,3
FL* 5,9
MD 3,5
CO 5,1
HI 4,2
MO 4,9
IL 3,7
VA 4,6
CT 2,8
WV 5,0
CA 4,3
AR 7,1
ME 4,4
AZ 5,8
DE 4,8
NC 5,1
NJ 3,0
TN 6,6
WA 5,6
LA 3,6
OR 5,3
SC 4,2
MN 3,6
GA 5,2
MI 4,1
KY 5,8
PA 3,3
MS 5,7
NH 4,4
MT 4,9
WI 3,4
IN 6,4
Mean 3,86
SD 4,2

TX 5,4
w/o OH, FL, PA, NV
AL 6,2
Red mean 5,3
KS 4,7
Blue mean 3,89
ND 3,4

AK 5,5

OK 6,7

NE 4,0

ID 6,2

WY 6,5

UT 4,7

Mean 5,4


Notice also the results when I removed the swing states (Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania) and Nevada (with the volume of weddings in Las Vegas, it would be unfair to include Nevada (divorce rate 9.0) in the mean). The result: the red states still have a significantly higher rate of divorces. I guess the religious right's plan for marriage exclusivity is well under way!


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